让我静静的想一想

我不知道要写什么样的标题给这篇不知能否称之文章的文章。

回家半月以来，自己处于一个很分裂的状态，情绪又开始在彻撕底里和沉默郁闷中波动。还好有父母，在他们面前总能有一种精神病发作般的活跃。每天依然会打开自己的space，看着上一篇关于楼下女生身亡的日志，心里一阵冰凉。那篇日志仿佛成了友人为自己space写下的遗篇，因为从那一刻起，整个空间便成了一片死寂⋯⋯

我把原因归于浏览器发布日志遇到的问题，但每每看见灰色的无法发布的按钮，便心神解脱般的退出了空间，那种解脱附加着一种很复杂的罪恶感，我是在恨自己缺乏恒心？还是在为自己的懒惰感到耻辱？ 妈妈也骂我手懒，然后叹气的觉得我变了，是变复杂了而无从下手琐碎的情感，还是变迟钝了无法感知喜怒哀乐？为什么一定要把自己的喜怒哀乐写在这里呢？为什么要把自己的每个想法和情绪暴光在这样一个虚拟的空间呢？为什么不停的听到认识我的朋友说我写的东西和我本人不一样呢？写作，这样随意的写作，居然一下子成为我生活中的一个负担，一个无法回避的黑洞，一个似乎已经弃离自己的爱人，一段我依然想挽回却被杂思困扰的感情⋯⋯我曾经试图放弃，回避，或者转移⋯⋯

妈妈让我用新浪，朋友推荐我用新浪，说帖子在那里的点击率会大大彪升⋯⋯我不要点击率，我不奢望得到任何陌生友人矫情的留言，我不要离开这个我坚守了两年的空间，而转去另一个陌生空洞的地方建立一些虚拟清高的东西⋯⋯这些我妈也不能理解，有时候我的确希望做到她喜欢的样子，但内心里我就是这样一个很被动倔强的人，我恋旧，比任何曾经挥洒愁思的诗人更恋旧。我就像那只当年养了那么多年的老猫，那样伤心的看着我们全家搬走，任自己伤心哭嚎，却依然守着那间老屋。我还没有老就开始经常翻看过去的照片，虽然那些照片并不像我联想中泛黄的放在百页盒里，但手指触摸每一个微笑时，心里依然可以抽泣。

我害怕一个人待在多年前待过的房间里，看着自己10岁时的照片在墙上向我投来那般清纯的笑，我写不出诗来祭奠那些感伤，写不出歌来哼唱那些断章，我苦苦的咀嚼着过去，恋旧⋯⋯回不去⋯⋯看电影，将自己融入其他人的故事，那些让人心动的悲欢离合，一部接一部，哭了再笑，然后表情默然的开始寻找下一个栖息地，然后空虚。没有影评，没有谈论⋯⋯

我开始像《The Glass Menagerie》里的Tom Wingfield一样，每天晚上在电影里seek for adventure⋯⋯

我寒假开始练瑜伽，每天，这是除了练车以外唯一坚持下来的事情。我爱上打坐，中午困倦时我盘腿打坐，看电影时盘腿打坐，睡觉前打坐⋯⋯打坐时，所有的注意力全部收了回来，呼吸，再呼吸，一切杂思仿佛瞬间沉淀了下来，沉的很深很深，它们让我的身体跟着下沉，稳定的盘坐在地上，脑袋却轻轻的向上延伸⋯⋯在我第一次打坐后，就喜欢上了那种感觉，因为它可以让我静静的想一想，并且把所有想过的东西沉淀下去。当我再一次睁开眼睛，反复已经置身于周围一切之外。

元旦我请Christy来我家过，一天半的时间让我重新回到了高中。第一次见她是我入住的上午，她选择和我对头的床位住下，我们头对头睡了一年，之间产生了一种大脑相通思脉相连的默契。当我是班长时，她是副班长，当我辞职时，她依然在竞选演讲中申请只当副班长，我当时哭了⋯⋯对这个班，我想我和她的感情是最深的，那种深有时候只有我和她心里能够感觉到。我羡慕她，因为她是如此坦然的爱着我们的班级，而我，一直以来，都是在选择一种带有距离感和陌生感的方式关注和爱着这个集体里的每一个人。我以前一直在解这个心结，希望自己能付出更多的时间和感情。一年前，回头看看当时的日记，心结终于解开。

元旦前夜，我和Christy躺在当年我和晓昕躺过的同一张床上回忆，一些很琐碎很琐碎的记忆。笑声不断，沉默不断⋯⋯我挖苦Christy说她可以去做18班花边新闻的主编，因为她似乎什么都知道，心里的羡慕有些不切实际。不知道是应该开心还是高兴，新年就这样在对高中的回忆中度过，这是否意味着08年又是一个恋旧之年呢？我不知道。

过去的一年里，发生了太多有意义的事情，我都无法一一总结，因为每一件事情都是一个完整的故事。我知道自己很多想法发生了变化，内心少了疑惑，也同时多了矛盾，旧的，新的，自己什么时候可以读懂自己？写也写不清楚，打坐一辈子也想不清楚，感怀一下，嘎然而止。

去年，我创作了好多作品，好多惊喜，激动，成就和开心。实习时的导师给了我母亲般的爱，让我把笑容一直坚持到很多事情的最后。

还有很多爱，很多感情，也许现在已经没有了，但我都用画笔记录了下来。妈妈开玩笑说，我所有经典的作品全送给了一些进入过我生活的人，她能从那些作品里看到爱。的确，去年一年里动过几次情，我也不再在母亲面前回避，不觉尴尬，因为我自己心里清楚，没有那些感情我创作不了那些东西。无论是给Nicolas的那副拥抱涂鸦，还是给Nat的生日海报，我知道我在画每一笔时心里都有一团火在燃烧，那种内心里的温度和力量给了我超出平时的专注力和创造力。我在一年前的一个点名贴里曾被问到爱情对我是什么，我的回答是火。

然而，那些艺术中的爱情更多的是留给了自己。我似乎只是划燃了几只火柴，然后淡然的看着火焰渐渐低头熄灭⋯⋯我要谢谢这些被我燃烧过的火柴，他们帮我点燃了珍贵的灵感之烛。 我知道自己一定还会划燃另一根火柴，为了另一只蜡烛，如此继续⋯⋯感谢那些逝去的火焰。

新年里，我想起一词，一个需要我在新的一年里重新开始理解的词：自律 （self-discipline)。 主要指思想和情绪上的控制和释放。我只奢求每天都能睡个好觉，做个好梦，一定要好梦。

我更希望自己能在自己的dreamland里stop dreaming。

为Nicolas创作的生日礼物《Hug》

与Christy在宜昌滨江公园

Future of My Own

       

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        平静是因为很多东西已经有了个了解。不想理论结果的好坏，那不是经验主义就能评定的事情，但是，我现在平静了许多。那天知道结果后，我异常的镇定。虽然在电话里高兴的和父母喧乐着，和最好的朋友互拥着，那是因为，我应该让那些一直默默支持我的人比我先感到欣慰

         对于我自己，虽然还不能完全做到“不以物喜，不以己悲”，但我却会在心里去接受这一切，一切无法用好或坏来定义的results，at least, I know that they are true

        后面的路似乎更加扑朔迷离。那是一条每个人都不同的路。或许不会再有和战友们讨论做题方法技巧的long call了，也不会再去关心其他人的进程了，毕竟，留给自己的时间是有限的，而这些时间必须只属于自己。身边的人少了好多，这是应该的，没什么好惋惜。他们知道我在做什么，做的怎么样。他们心里支持也好，不理解也好，对我来说起不了任何影响。PP说的对，我选择的路注定是一条孤独的路。我不愿意去多想，只是觉得，自己越来越喜欢一个人，一个人做事情，一个人把自己的事情做好，做的尽善尽美。I don’t know whether it is another characteristic of a typical Virgo girl

        At last but not least, many thanks to my parents, my teachers and my friends. I will carry on, for a future of my own.

但愿人长久

中秋到了

昨天在火车上一夜未眠

看着窗外皎洁的明月不知倦意的跟着我奔波

看着窗外的树影簌簌而过 来不及欣赏便已经无法触及

人生何尝不是如此

悲欢离合

这明月是以什么样的心态俯仰着芸芸众生

who can tell

中国是个追求意境,感觉的民族

无论背负着多么重的压力

人们还是会为这轮圆月去送出自己的祝福

收到的祝福很多 节日总能带给人温暖 或者说是慰籍 whatever

天高 月明

我去江滩走了走

没有去想太多 任凭晚风吹拂 闭眼不去看天空的明月

我能感觉到 它也同样承担了太多太多 人们的悲欢,期盼,思恋,回眸……

同时在今天这样一个特别的中秋

它背负的还有国耻

中秋之夜 明镜高挂照国耻

中国人心中的根啊 流再多血也拔不出的

不知月亮和上帝有无关系

但愿他们都能真正保护那些善良的人,那些奔波的人,那些愿意帮别人承担痛苦的人……

身边有好多人的生命如夜空绽放的烟花

那一瞬间的美丽让人不禁流泪

所有人都希望得到幸福

上帝呀

能让那些已经得到幸福的人守住那份瞬间吗?

徐说:上帝会恩赐追求幸福和快乐的人,他绝对不会怜悯连幸福都无法把握的人……

那些人何尝不是在追求幸福呢

也许上帝本身也很矛盾

但愿月亮真的是看上去那样宁静,空明,脱俗……

中秋佳节

我躺在床上

望着那轮月

没有陷入深思

而是陷入了更深的梦境……

如何的梦境呢?……

impressive

回来了

有好多话想写呢，却一时不知道该如何写。好累好累，真的想休息了，但又觉得似乎这么长时间来并没有真正休息过，也将不会有了……

面试很成功

居然在北京直接又要到了一个面试

机会真的是自己去争取的

碰到ZAP了 很羡慕她有3个面试 真希望她面试的很成功 毕竟一个学校的 共勉是当然的了

Flora是我这次认识的 一个清华英语系的女孩 武汉外校去年毕业的

她和我一样 申请freshman

她是个很有优秀的女孩 非常漂亮 非常成熟

看得出来 和很多大学生一样 她在上大学以后变了好多

用她的话说就是苍老了 不过应该是更成熟了 更了解自己了

我们一直从北大百年讲堂走到了清华紫荆公寓 真没想到她就住我楼下

谢谢她请我在pub里吃的宵夜（也是我的晚餐）

我们聊了很多 从学习到生活

感觉她的思想真得很深 或许我只是逼自己别去想太多 总是努力去维护梦想在我心中的完美

哪怕真的有一天 我有机会去亲自揭示里面残酷的真实

她的面试应该也很成功 真希望明年的8月能和她一起起飞

北京回来 除了收获了一脸的豆豆

还有这样一个朋友

感觉真得很欣慰

一个人出门

一个人回来

心里沉淀了好多好多 有些东西写不出来 但只要它在那里 你就会一直的被驱动着

那些

impressive moments

Another surprise

I’ve got an interview with MHC in Beijing on Sep.9th!!

What a precious surprise that I’ve got a chance to be so close to my dream female college.

Time is tight! I’ll get prepared soon!

Any duration?

I ate too much last night after being hungry in mind for a whole week in the new campus. Be it mentally or somewhat, I got up this morning feeling that I’ve gain several pounds overnight! How terrible it is!That’s not the point however, I remembered what I swore before coming here that I would do sports every weekend. After doing a sample SAT test from 8:30 to 11:50, Xixi and I went out for lunch. We had our lunch on the playground. She sat near the track and was enjoying the terrific beef in her bowl while I was doing warm-up with my lunch set aside. I’ve got to run however,as there is no other place for doing sports. Those huge gyms are nothing but rubbish, as well as those delicated built courts with only dust on it. The only thing I can do in order to sweat is to run. Our humorous P.E. teacher told us that when one has reached a specific heart rate and has kept that rate for more than 30 mins, then he or she will lose weight. Losing weight is not my purpose, however, I did feel very uncomfortable after sitting in the "immutable" chair within the air-lack classroom for 6 days. Birds need to fly, fish need to swim while, just for right now, I did feel an urge to run however fast and far.

 

I ran.

 

Until my heart rate reached 150 per min,until I was totally breathless! I suck! Such a rubbish body. Only 10 mins can made me dying.

 

Am I going to carry on???

 

Running is not the only thing that needs one’s duration,isn’t it?

Special Birthday

Yesterday was my 17th birthday. I meant to add an entry but was blocked by my special birthday party in my dorm. The new campus is really sort of countryside, however the air is always fresh. Still, I haven’t got a birthday cake or any candles.

 

It was a moving day with all the warm wishes from my friends, current or passed, from 00:00 to 12:59p.m, Aug 24th. As there was no way for celebrating, it was still great to have received so many short messages with all best wishes. Hardly could I imagined that so many people remembered by birthday,and so many friends who have been out of connect with me for ages appeared and managed to connect me with their special wishes. I was so deeply impressed and could hardly fell into sleep, being afraid that it was just so wonderful a dream.

 

Anyway, I really didn’t get any sleep yesterday not because of the fear about the reality of the day, but because I’ve been receiving messages all the time from 00:00a.m. Surprisingly, my parents sent me their wishes at nearly 3:00 a.m. How could they, who always informed me to go to bed before 24:00 everyday, intended to wake me up with such a surprising as well as an impressive wish!! I was so grateful for them, nevertheless!

 

I’ve got several gifts. The first gift, which was the most beautiful one among all, was given by Huahua at exactly 00:00a.m., along with a "Happy Birthday" near my bed. It was a nice star-like glass bottle with 99 colorful paper-made stars in it. It was so nice that I kissed her at once with all of my thanks and tears. Thank you Huahua for all your efforts creating such an amazing surprise for me! You are actually a shy girl, thank you for your careful preparation. I will remember you everytime I see a star, be it artificial or real!

 

Other gifts include a silver cross necklace and a CD recording his own songs from one of my classmates and a CD of SuperVC from YellowYellow! I’ve been looking forwards to hearing this new album ever since last year! Thank you so much for such a gift. I’ve also received a CD of Starsailors from YellowYello last birthday, a band which I like very very much! Thank you again for your wishes and gifts,what’s more, for your being such a wonderful friend with me! Lin Sheng gave me a series of Tarot Cards and wished that my birthday were to be a sunny day. So it was! And he was so proud of himself,telling me that his wish has come true already! Thank you very much also for your care and wishes. You are a great friend, a great bro! He An gave me a mini comb which is just as the same as the one I’ve been using despite of its smaller size. So cute it is like you are! Thank you very much for all your happy smiles and all your encouraging wishes.

 

Gifts are always the least important things. I’ve learnt a lot from my birthday that friends are people to remember and care all the time, not the ones who care you so much at one time and forget you at once. Friends are to be forever, to care for each other forever, no matter in what way, to what extent; at least they always remember to remind you of your friendship, by,maybe,just sending a warm wish or a warm sentence of encouragement. That’s totally enough for being friends. And that’s too much for being great friends all life long.

 

P.S. Thanks to: Xiao Xi,Li Hua,Shen Hanqing,Christy,Yang Yang, Wang Le, Fan Xinying, Liang Chen,Liu yu,Feng Xin, Hu Chun,PP,Tony,Zhuo Xi,Wu Yinglong,Zhou Tian,Xu Tian,Yao Yechen,Liu Zhe,Xu Xueyang, all of whom are my current friends.

 

Thanks to: Zhang Xiangjie, Zhang Nan, my friends in middle school.

 

Thanks to: Cai Siwen,my friend in university

 

Most Thanks to: Mummy, Daddy,Li Ni, my dearest relatives.

 

Thanks to: Huang Guang, Lin Shen, my bros.

 

Maybe there are someone who have given me their wishes that are not on the thank-you lists above. Sorry for missing. Thank all of you all the same! Thank all of my friends.

 

In my 17th year, I am going to realize my dream!

 

Still the same sentence: I’ll make it!

 

Let’s see!

I’ll make it

Yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!

 

I got it!! I got it !! I got it!!

 

I got the interview, finally!!

 

So, time for preparing. Only less than 1 month, so many things to prepare!

 

Add oil, Minnie!

 

Just make it!!

 

Still Waiting

第一次学会主动,主动发出了那封斟酌很久的email.或许发了就忘了,还是2天后才check了一下.结果在那么多心中,看到了让我呆住很久的名字.Barry McCarty.一下下的激动后心里突然很安静.这没什么呀,不是有很多人都给她写信她也回了吗?!而且回的话跟机器回的没什么两样.我想我看到的也应该是一样,什么先交表,再联系.这就是间接赚我们的申请费嘛!!

 

呵呵,写到这里自己也知道太没趣了,如果真的什么奇迹也没有我也不会在这里瞎写了.她给我机会了,给我希望了,虽然还是要我更多地介绍一下自己,发一份resume和school report,school report现在是没有的,还好前几天发疯熬夜写了一份resume,否则就over了.

 

真的高兴了许久,虽然能不能去参加这个面试还远不确定,但是没有被reject掉我就感到满足了.的确,网上有人说被委婉拒绝了,也就是所谓的骗申请费.还好她留给我回信的机会,这一天我盼了很久了.也许应该可以更早的得到,以前总是被动的,在自己的想象中把一切过程都想象的顺水推舟.然而,这扇门最终还是自己打开了……人要活的主动…

 

今天听说6校又要来北京做info session了…泛起了一点记忆…我可是参加了今年中国大陆第一个info session的人呀,呵呵…(laughing)… 这次又在北京,虽然是几个一起来的,但是觉得有点耽误时间,更是因为不想在往北京跑了.后来得知其中2个要来上海,而且和BC是一个时间段,我索性的发了mail…

 

刻意的等待是痛苦的.明明知道米国现在还是黑夜,确期盼着哪支夜来香能够好心的起来check以下mailbox……

 

Still waiting……sweat!

Last fight before dawn

Noooooooooooo!! I’m not going any farther.!! Actually, just go back home!!

 

I do feel this happy because it seems to me that going home is becoming more and more attractive!!Every time I’m having meal in school cafeteria, I’m looking at those dishes whiling my mind flying back to home, to the porridge my mummy made and the 糖醋排骨 made by my lovely grandma!:P

 

Well, I’m not wondering going home just for food! It is just a sense of getting to somewhere I belonged that really make the deal! SO free being at home!! SO comfortable lingering around my little garden, looking up to the blue sky scattered by the grape leaves,looking down to the pool with pretty turtles swimming or sunbathing satisfiedly.

 

Maybe I’ve just been so tired studying in school, doing the same meaningless things day and night without a second rest. What’s more, I’ve got to face the ugly faces of my teachers, shouting loudly in front of us, never  considering what we would feel and how bored we are. Such is nature that every man for himself! Teachers want us to be the nonstop machines which are impossible to exist.

 

Okeyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!! My dearest Minnie, stop complaining!! Stop!Stop! Tomorrow is another day,though it is to  be in school and be full of exams again. But the day after tomorrow is really another day.isn’t it!! It is the day for all the POWs to get freedom!! Long live freedom!! How long?! 14days??!! God!! Help me!! I do need time!! Need a plenty of time!! I need them to help me get through all those mad standard tests as well as those thirsty forms!! All the blanks remaining!! God loves his children! May I be blessed!

 

Let time stop here!! Right here!!

 

Now I remember a saying from a famous talkshow host in the US. Sorry for forgetting your name darling!!

 

It goes: Don’t complain about what you don’t have. Use what you have got! To do less than your best is a sin! Every single one of us has the power for greatness and the greatness lies in the service you do to yourself and to the others!

 

Hope life really goes that way!

 

Bless!